Learning about sex from making brownies (1 of 2) | For married & unmarried

To quote Steve Treichler, “have great sex.” God wants you to have maximum sex. Finding maximum sexual pleasure is like making the perfect batch of brownies.

I love brownies and I love licking brownie batter from the bowl. Even to this day when my wife, Jill, makes brownies I’ll swoop in like an eagle to grab the bowl and spatula from her. I just can’t wait to get a taste of that chocolaty goodness. At times, I will even get a stomach ache filling up on brownie batter. I am too impatient for the 12-16 minute journey from batter to freshly baked brownie. Can I get an “Amen!” from anyone?

One time when I was younger I recall a pan of brownies being taken from the oven and within minutes seeing it discarded into the garbage. I couldn’t believe it! I sprinted over to the garbage can, picked up several scraps, and took bites. I quickly realized why the brownies had been thrown away. There was obviously an ingredient or two that were missing. For anyone who has tasted freshly baked brownies with all the ingredients, these were not them. But, as a kid at the time, I didn’t want them to just get thrown away due to one or two or eight missing ingredients. So, I was willing to salvage the “brownies” AS IS even with a distorted texture and mistaken taste. I would take these as my brownies even though they couldn’t truly qualify as brownies by any baker anywhere.

I think the same happens in the area of sexual intimacy. In this analogy, the batter is the dating relationship and the oven are vows which forever change the batter into a brownie (marriage).

People sneak bites of batter before the brownies have been baked. They may fill their stomach with batter again and again. Sex before marriage is becoming more commonplace. People are proving content to never marry and taste the goodness of a freshly baked brownie. For them, endless supplies of batter are being settled for.

Other people have come through the oven. Some of these people have tasted the bitterness of brownies with missing ingredients (i.e. an imperfect marriage).

Within this group a section choose to accept it as is, missing ingredients and all. They, being so desirous of brownies, are willing to settle for knock off “brownies” or anything with even a hint of sweetness: “Any relationship, even a bad one, is better than no relationship at all.” Though they can recognize brownies from the trash should really be left there, like me as a kid, close enough is good enough.

Another group that has come through the oven, gotten married, and have tasted this bitter brownie have chosen to throw it away. One or both may have not been willing to work on their marriage. It has missing ingredients. Rather than work on it though the first batch is thrown away and another batch starts getting mixed as if it were truly that easy to stop and start such intimate relationships. Though such a cycle of throw and replace seems absurd in this analogy, it’s not too far from reality.

This can result in one of three possibilities.

  1. They may mix up a great next batch. Though statistics seem to tell otherwise, it could happen, but it is pretty uncommon.
  2. They may mix up a batch and content themselves once again with more brownie batter. They conclude the oven must be broken: “Marriage just doesn’t work.”
  3. They may make the same mistake over again and dump a whole other batch of brownies into the trash.

It is for the pleasure of the marriage relationship, sex included(!), that we require premarital counseling at our church. I know when I was preparing to enter the oven with Jill I knew about some of the ingredients but not all of them.

QUESTIONS: What do you think? Do you like this analogy? How would you change it? Do you see any of this happening around you? Please, comment below.

NEXT TIME: So, whether you’re in the batter stage or in the brownie stage, what are those ingredients? And if some are missing, what can you do to bring those into your relationship to increase your joy, intimacy, and pleasure? Read now.

Posted on by Cor in FAITH

15 Responses to Learning about sex from making brownies (1 of 2) | For married & unmarried

  1. Ash San Filippo

    Thanks, Cor!

    I think this is a great analogy. I work with at-risk kids, many of whom are gorging themselves on brownie batter. I’ll definitely be sharing this analogy with them.

    • Cor

      Thanks Ash! I hope it helps.

  2. Brittany Sprague

    I, being a lover of analogies, think this one is pretty accurate. We went to the weekend to remember conference just last weekend, and I (thinking we had a pretty decent go at the whole marriage thing) was able to discover a few more things that really needed to be added to our ingredient list. I think people assume that pre-marriage counseling, books etc. will give you every last ingredient needed, and once you do go into the oven, so to speak, it’ll come out awesome. If it doesn’t taste right, then we’re all done for. Rarely, do I think the first go around (within the same marriage) results in the perfect combination, where marriage seems awesome all the time. I like brownies.

    • Cor

      That’s so true. There are always things to be working on. I think that’s where the analogy breaks down. How do you shove new ingredients into already made brownies? Oh well.

      • Miranda Irby


        • Heidi

          yes, and sprinkles! ;)

        • Cor

          Is this just a comment about brownies. Or is it a euphemism for _____?

  3. Marge Hilden

    The title made me smile so I had to click in and read the whole thing. I’ve been married for almost 36 years. I do know that neither partner can ever stop working at their marriage. Even now there are times I stop and think “seriously you what?” or “wow, how cool was that” as our marriage keeps growing. Some times sex is great, other times sex can get in the way of issues that need to be adderssed. Life/marriage isn’t always tasty but if I have his heart and he has my heart it’s worth working on.

  4. Cor

    Marge, I will listen to anything a married woman of 36 years has to say. Good stuff. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

  5. Justine Blake

    Wow, as I think about it, this analogy can be very complex…or maybe I’ve totally overanalyzed it! I think tasting too much of the batter itself, not just missing ingredients, is what causes the brownies to lack in some way. Some people taste the batter and never want to bake the brownies. However, many people taste the batter and eventually want to, but they don’t realize that tasting too much of the batter may ruin the quality of their brownies!

    I tasted too much batter before our brownies went in the oven and I would say it resulted in undermining the “treat” of the brownie. It kind of desensitizes you to the sweetness by gradually taking more and more. Even though this doesn’t work with the analogy at all (ingredients will not actually escape the brownies if you taste the batter), I think sneaking too much batter contributed to missing ingredients in our out-of-the-oven brownies. Main ingredients, like trust! “Tasting the batter,” whether that invovles sex or no sex, creates such a false sense of trust, security, and worth, for both men and women. A combination of fear and control motivates us to taste the batter (too much of it, for too long) without baking them. Thankfully, God is the master pastry chef who can add ingredients in even after we’ve completely botched the brownies. It’s been a slow, gradual healing process for our marriage and we are always realizing more ingredients that need to be added.

    Thanks for writing about sex!

    • Cor

      Justine, I was really blessed by your response. I don’t think you overanalyzed it. You make some really great comments. Thank you for sharing so honestly.

  6. Lisa M

    To quote Ross Geller from “Friends”: “I honestly don’t know if I’m hungry or horny!”


    • Cor


  7. Lindsay

    Yeah, I think I agree with Justine B. I think by eating too much “batter” before you’re married, you don’t appreciate the “brownie” as much (because you’ve made yourself “sick” with “batter.”) It’s not a perfect analogy but I can see how it sort of works. I’ve also heard a fireplace analogy before. Fire in the proper place/context (fire here representing sex) is great – warm, cozy, useful, etc. But if you take that warm cozy fire and stick it in an inappropriate context (e.g. the middle of the livingroom floor) it becomes dangerous and destructive.

    • Cor

      Thank you for commenting, Lindsay. I like the fireplace analogy too.