Ladies…correct me if I’m wrong…you want to be found beautiful in the eyes of your man.
Am I right?
So if that’s true, let me play out a common pattern I’ve seen during my ten years of marital and premarital counseling.
Husband sees wife. He’s struck by her beauty. He comments.
“No, I’m not.”
“Yes. You are.”
“No.” Then some variation of you’re wrong, or you’re crazy, or it’s not true.
Why would she respond this way? There are several possibilities. Wives may not want to appear conceited or vain. It may seem more honorable to deflect such attention. It’s possible One Direction’s mantra has sunk in deep (you know, you don’t know your beautiful, that’s what makes you beautiful).
But, honestly, what is a husband to do with that?
Consider this: your husband is the target of a daily tsunami of sexual beauty. Their goal: his consumption of that beauty (often in unhealthy ways). He resists. He fights. He kills the lusts of his eyes and flesh.
At day’s end, he returns home. He walks through the door to a million pressing needs. None of it matters. He sees her. He sees only her. And she’s rocking it. In those jeans. With that hair. Typing away on her laptop. He desires her.
“Babe, you look great.”
“Those pants.” “That hair.” “Just you.”
“Whatever.” “No.” “These pants?” “I haven’t even done my hair.” “You. You’re weird (or fooling with me or wrong or crazy).”
Wives…could I – as directly and respectfully as possible – ask you to reconsider this type of response? Let me explain why.
He sees you. He sees only you. Let him be attracted to you. Did you hear that? Let him. Give him permission.
He made vows to love you. Not others. You. He is, in part, fulfilling marital vows when he says such things. Do not refuse that. Receive it. Accept it. With a smile. Or a “thanks.” Don’t return it to sender. “Wrong address.” “That person doesn’t live here.” You do live here. He knows who he is saying it to. It’s you.
“But I just feel gross.” Or “ I don’t feel pretty.” Or “I got baby spit up on me, haven’t taken a shower, and still need to brush my teeth.”
He didn’t see those things. He sees you. It honors him when you receive these compliments rather than deflect them. He is loving you right now. He’s showing this. He’s telling you that he thinks you’re beautiful. Trust him.
Questions: What do you think? Why do women tend to deflect, rather than simply receive, compliments on their beauty? And how might this deflection of compliments negatively impact your relationship? Please, share your thoughts in the comments section below.
**Thanks to my wife for her helpful insights and edits to this post.**